What ho, Englishmen!
Something had been troubling me about this year's Wimbers but I couldn't for the life of me put my finger on precisely what. It wasn't the new roof - ghastly though it is; it wasn't the surfeit of hatchet-faced Russians - grim though they are; nor was it the presence of those boorish colonial spectators in yellow shirts - vile though I find them.
No, it was none of these things, and it required my housekeeper to put her finger on it. She said to me this morning: "Cor, what d'you make of Wimbledon then, M'Lud? Ain't it terrible the way none of 'em bahs or curtseys no more? It ain't right if you ask me, M'Lud. Wouldn't be tolerated at Crouchback Castle now would it, sir?"
And by jove, I'll be deuced if she wasn't absolutely correct. None of the players bow to the Royal box any more. They amble out as if they own the bloody place. Worse, many of these impudent rotters hail from some of the most frightful places on the planet - banana republics and tinpot dictatorships, places like Russia and Belarus and South Africa. How dare they show such insolence to HRH Prince Michael! What dashed cheeky blighters!
I have no idea why the bowing and curtseying has been removed from the protocols. Perhaps the All England Club would like to explain itself. Certainly, it would do the Eastern Bloc peasants a power of good to be reminded of their natural place in the pecking order.
Yours, etc
Viscount Crouchback
M'Lord,
I think HRH Prince Michael is well used to being humiliated by Eastern European slatterns by now. He is married to one after all, albeit that she was born under the tin-pot dictatorship of the frightful Herr Hitler. I imagine he enjoys it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Princess_Michael_of_Kent
Posted by: Mr Sheen | 30 June 2009 at 06:16 PM
How foolish of me. I meant the Duke of Kent, of course - not Prince Michael. Edward is a delightful chap, and a fellow Catholic on the sly (though one is not supposed to mention that) and he certainly does not deserve to be "dissed" (as I believe the yoof say) by some Ova from the Eastern Bloc.
But yes, Princess Michael is a frightful creature. How lucky for Edward that he isn't married to her.
Posted by: Viscount Crouchback | 30 June 2009 at 07:19 PM
Yes, bring back some respect and tradition. We all know little Leyton could do with some decorum.
In fact, what is a proud Australian to do tonight when Hewitt is playing Roddick?
It's quite a dilemma. Most times when he's playing you can enthusiastically support the other bloke, but, it gets a bit complicated when the other bloke is a fast and loud talkin' Yank. One needs the wisdom of Solomon - maybe we cut them both in half and feed them to the Yugoslavians.
I suppose the ideal scenario is that they're both forced to retire on the very same point. Perhaps Roddick could tear his hamstring while belting the ball into Hewitt's nose at 240 KPH.
The CEO.
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 11:56 AM
I take that all back.
Go Lleyton.
Go like the wind...
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 04:06 PM
Oh dear, nervous start from little Lleyton.
Surely Roddick's racquet is illegal though - how the devil else does he generate so much pace?
I wish Lleyton would stop wearing his hat backwards.
It was passable when he was 16, a bit embarrassing at 20, it's a downright abomination at 28!
So turn your silly hat around and lift your game.
Australia demands victory!
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 04:24 PM
Magnificent weather I have to say.
A glorious green court. And a glorious blue sky. What a glorious sight.
All we need now is for little Lleyton to pull his finger out and his socks up and stop poncing around like nervous nelly.
OOh love game... more like it...
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 04:28 PM
I'll be back shortly with more insight and analysis.
Now it's time for my exercise bike... time to burn a few calories and maintain the extraordinary muscular definition of my legs.
C'mon Lleyton, C'mon.
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 04:32 PM
I say, old fruit, I hadn't realised Lleyton was playing. I've been watching that ghastly Scotchman give the Spaniard a good pasting - 2-0 in sets as I write.
Ah, now I see. First set to Roddick. Well, I shall cheer for my fellow member of the Empire - that is, Mr Hewitt.
Keep up the cycling, old bean. Calf muscles like pigeon's breasts are a splendid thing on a man.
Posted by: Viscount Crouchback | 01 July 2009 at 04:38 PM
G'day Croucho!
I was wondering whether you were at Wimbers today, rightfully stuffing your glorious, beastly frame with cream and strawberries. Lucky old chap you've surely been before.
Yeah, that Murray kid is quite a character - never seen a winning sportsman so economical with his smile. Makes the stoic Chicken Man of yesteryear seem like a showman. Still, bloody good to see a Brit through to the semis!
As for the main event: T'was a quality 2nd set. I could literally fell little Lleyton channeling my stamina and tenacity; I truly feel he couldn't have done it without me. I'm wondering whether Cadel could use me next week. I doubt I'd make it all the way to Paris but I'd be surprised if my prized pigeon breasts couldn't carry him to yellow atop Alpe d'Huez.
C'mon Lleyton...
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 06:17 PM
Yes, I've been to Wimbers many times, old bean, but not so much lately - they've taken to inviting all manner of oiks to the Royal box and I really do find it quite intolerable. I have no desire to find myself sitting next to some Nigel Nouveau Richards from the world of the Media. Absolutely not.
I must say, and I hope you don't mind, but those yellow shirted colonials supporting Hewitt are quite ghastly. How on earth does the poor chap put up with such monstrous individuals following him around to every match? I am quite certain that I should lose on purpose just to escape them.
But it's not all bad - Hewitt's filly is a snorting specimen. Well worth a boffing, I should imagine.
Posted by: Viscount Crouchback | 01 July 2009 at 06:28 PM
These "tie-breaks" are a bad joke.
Roddick's racquet is illegal.
Ace. Ace. Ace. Rally. Ace.
C'mon Lleyton...
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 06:32 PM
Hewitt is really starting to test my patience.
Does the little blighter realise he's representing an entire nation? Does he realise he's representing me?
... 29 aces to Roddick!
And Hewitt has started rubbing his nether regions...I think this match is lost.
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 06:40 PM
Is it true that Hewitt has the most enormous todger?
Posted by: Viscount Crouchback | 01 July 2009 at 06:45 PM
Those annoying yellow shirt wearers call themselves the "fanatics".
The rest of us, myself included, call them the dipsticks.
Hewitt's filly is rather snorting. But, what about Roddicks? She could volley my serve anytime, I bet.
"Is it true that Hewitt has the most enormous todger?"
Urban myth I'm afraid - as it would hardly look out of place on a bumblebee.
But, good to see him mounting a comeback here nonetheless. Stay tuned...
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 06:54 PM
Or rather return my serve then volley me once or twice after that...
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 06:59 PM
2 sets a piece. We're back...
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 07:09 PM
What a splendid match! Come along Lleyton! Come along!
And I must say, old chap, Hewitt does look rather endowed in the third leg department. One hates to peer too intently at a chap but, by golly, something is up in those nether regions!
Posted by: Viscount Crouchback | 01 July 2009 at 07:17 PM
Splendid match for sure!
But I've gotta say I wish the two of them would stop adjusting themselves at every opportunity. If it's not a tweak of the shirt, or cap, it's another rub of the face with a towel. They fair dinkum expend half their energy on these obsessive compulsive antics.
It's a blight on the game and it's distracting.
C'mon Lleyton.
The CEO
P.S I had my wires crossed; Lleyton does in fact cut a frightful figure in the change rooms. Of course, it's actually Mark Philliposousous that has the most modest of todgers.
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 07:56 PM
Heartbreak.
C'mon Murray...
Posted by: The CEO | 01 July 2009 at 08:02 PM
Ah, dash it! I had hoped that Lleyton would pull through. It's a frightful shame. I find Roddick terribly robotic.
So yah, good luck Murray, old bean.
But let's face it: Federer is the most civilised chap left in the tournament.
Posted by: Viscount Crouchback | 01 July 2009 at 08:18 PM