What ho, fellows!
By jove, dining with Lord Emsworth can be a trying experience! I wrote previously about the Lord's peculiar eating habits, but his lavatory habits are even stranger. The two of us attended a fund-raising luncheon in the village earlier today, and had a jolly old time supping port and munching beef and snorting snuff. The event was flowing along quite merrily when Lord Emsworth suddenly bellowed "POT!" Well, no one knew quite what he meant, and an earnest young waitress came running along and said: "I'm sorry, My Lord, but pot is illegal. I can bring some more snuff though, if you'd like?"
"No, you silly mare! PISSPOT!" shouted the Lord.
The poor girl was thoroughly startled but duly went off and returned with a sizeable bronze pot. Lord Emsworth then stood up, dropped his trousers, and proceeded to urinate into said pot in full view of everyone. This process went on for some time because Lord Emsworth had obviously stored up a great deal of fluid. It was the most extraordinary spectacle. Finally, the torrent dried to a trickle, and the Lord returned to his chair and re-started his conversation with Mrs Tilly Brodett, the church organist.
I shouldn't like to recommend this approach to loo etiquette, but it certainly has the virtue of efficiency.
Yours, etc
Viscount Crouchback
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