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11 November 2009


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Dearest lord Viscount sir,

Wonderful news that your prayers have been answered.

Bring back the Hask! Bring back the Hask!

What about Australia v Ireland though? Reckon we Aussies will give those ghastly spud munchers a jolly good belting?

And what about that ghastly wretch O'Gara!

Apparently his own fans take a "grim view".



I suspect that Australia will give the Irish a damned good thrashing. If one compares the respective teams, one will note that the proportion of upstanding Anglo gentlemen is considerably higher in the visiting XV. Regrettably, the loyal Ulster influence in the Irish team has been somewhat ameliorated in recent years by the gross weight of vile Munster backwoodsmen.

Which brings us nicely onto O'Gara, for no one better represents this revolting specimen than he. It is common knowledge that O'Gara's reserves of pluck are in inverse proportion to his propensity to talk himself up. Thus, the coaches and supporters of the British Lions had the grave misfortune to be subjected to a ROG propaganda campaign in the lead-up to Durban. Rog, we were told by Rog, was in the form of his life. Rog, we were told by Rog, would not let anybody down. Rog, we were told by Rog, was a much better bet than that unreliable Stephen Jones.

What rot! The coaches did not believe a word of it, of course. They had seen enough of Rog to know that he was no more reliable in the defensive line than an Italian infantryman. He was duly benched.

Alas, a bad apple has a way of contaminating the bunch, and the yellow cur was duly thrown into the fray in Pretoria and promptly cost Britain the series by losing his nerve in the most spectacular fashion.

All sentient Irishmen will be praying that that Sexton - a lovely old English name, note - plays at fly-half. If he does, the men in green have half a chance.

My Lord
Do you share my concern at what seems to be an inexorable slide towards the day when the Englishmen in the side are outnumbered by Hibernian and Antipodean cast-offs?
Indeed, rumours have reached me that Irishmen on both sides of the Pale were delighted with the performance of "Agent Geraghty" on Saturday.

You raise an interesting point. I am prepared to give these Irish immigrants the benefit of the doubt - their professed loyalty to the Queen is rather touching - but any more inept chip kicks deposited straight into the arms of opposition defenders and I might have to re-think this benevolent attitude.

I can't be the only English rugby man who remembers Lord Haw-Haw.

M' Lord,

I must confess to partaking in an utterly presumptuous and impudent act. Me and my narrow - yet well meaning - shoulders have taken it upon ourselves to give the goons of the Guardianista a little rev-up.

I sincerely hope that this little exercise has not offended you nor irrevocably breached any long standing feudal law or custom.

Yours, etc



I shall spare your neck this time, CEO. After all, no one does impudence more amusingly than a fair dinkum Aussie.

What ho M'Lord!

How goes it?
Glad to see The Viscount back in the saddle at last after a summer break of truly sabbatical proportions.
The CEO back to his audacious self, storming the citadel of censorship, single-handedly strafing the Guardianista bunkers and still a groundswell of support for your return-heartening indeed.

I note the arrival of 'agente provocateuse' Darwinia -surely a Ghastlian stooge sent to test your mettle-most amusing.

What of the wonderful Aussie victory over the Boer this summer-a thing or two to be learnt by Mr Johnson?
Yours Winston

Ah, good to have you back, Winston! I suspect that Mr Johnson is learning quickly - he made a bally mess of the original selection, but it's good to see him ditching two of the stodgier elements with all possible haste. Care out, Crane out: now he neeeds merely to deposit Banahan somewhere over Jersey.

Viscount, while I find myself in agreement with your comments about ROG, I must take issue with your belief in the inherent superiority of the Aussie team compared to their Irish counterparts. It seems Mr. Deans agrees with me judging by these comments :

"Our challenge now is to first of all recognise that the level we managed against England at Twickenham will be totally inadequate in terms of the challenge we have got coming this week. Once we embrace that and tend to the detail around our preparation hopefully it will give us our best chance of performing against an Irish side that have beaten all before them
Deans smiled when asked whether he felt the Ireland game was the most difficult of what is a Grand Slam tour as the tourists face each of the home unions. “The answer is yes, they have earned that right with their Grand Slam achievement.

“You look at the fact that their franchises have won the last two European Cups. They are a side that have a lot of belief, a lot of experience. It’s a potent mix. The Irish are an established and experienced combination, who are used to and expect to win every time that they play. They are that bit more powerful and aggressive than the English, from 1 to 15. Their world class backline will put our defence under a lot more pressure than we experienced last week."

Well, coaches always talk up the next challenge. But yes, one can see Deans's logic - Ireland are the Grand Slam holders and they are a settled XV. Indeed, I would go so far as to say that if Ireland fail on their own patch to beat the Tri Nations' worst team then they will have brought shame on European rugby.

So you agree with Mr. Deans that the Irish players (despite being burdened with those inferior Celtic genes) are more powerful, physically superior athletes than those chunks of Anglo-Saxon "beef" that so turn you on?

I only wish we had access to the hunks of masculinity that you Saxons have up front - The likes of Bell, Payne and Thompson belong on the cover of Mens Health Magazine. Meanwhile I am exceedingly jealous of those beautiful, dashing backs that you possess. Banahan is as graceful as a swan, while Cueto looks like he could give Usain Bolt a run for his money.

Oh how it must be great to be born with such inherent genetic superiority. I guess us puny,pasty, plucky Celts will just have to try and get by...

I agree with Deans that the Irish are Grand Slam holders and enjoy a settled side. These are incontrovertible facts.

The rest of your comment is the purest poppycock. Far from being fine athletes, the truth is that the only dynamic specimens in the Irish side are men of Saxon blood - namely Ferris and Wallace. The rest of them, Paul "Snake Hips" O'Connell foremost among them, are entirely lacking in beef and instead resort to the type of spoiling tactics which made Ireland the most negative team bar none in last year's Six Nations, according to statistics reported in the Irish press.

The Irish are a mediocre team who have been punching above their weight while the big boys of European rugger go through transition. We'll see in the next few weeks whether they have the pluck, beef or belief to take on the southern chaps. I suspect not.

Tally Ho Winston!

And Tally Ho The Viscount!

Too right, let this interloping spud-muncher know what's what. Then send him back to the bogs and backwoods of eire!

(Leinster Lion should have noted that Deans talked up the Baabaas in June before we put 50 points on 'em. Wake up!)

(And don't you forget, Leinster Boy, Elsom will be playing for the other team on Sunday. Australia by 12)


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