A Viscount Speaks

Cheerio, Johnny Scotchman!

What ho, Tories!

The BBC confirms my suspicions: the Tories would have won a great stonking majority if the election had been conducted in England alone:

Full England Scoreboard

Party	Seats	Gain	Loss	Net	Votes	%	+/-%
Conservative	297	95	3	+92	9,911,062	39.6	+3.9
Labour	191	2	89	-87	7,037,229	28.1	-7.4
Liberal Democrat	43	8	12	-4	6,067,303	24.2	+1.3

So it was only the tribal voting of sweaty, heroin-addicted Scotchmen and chippy Welsh coal-miners that stopped Cam the Man claiming his rightful place in Downing Street. Incredibly, there was actually a swing to Labour in Scotland!  Iain Murray sums up my view:

If I had my druthers, I'd offer a deal to the Scottish Nationalists for a referendum on Scottish independence. The Scots have clearly and decisively rejected unionism, so it is time for them to taste the consequences of that rejection. The public finances of the United Kingdom of England, Wales, and Northern Ireland would improve markedly and the Conservatives would have a solid majority. I can't see why this option isn't on the table.

Quite right. Let the buggers go it alone. I don't mind keeping the Welsh for the time being. England and Wales have been joined at the hip for 800 years and the Welsh, to their credit, seem capable of asserting their cultural pride in a non-chippy, non-tribalist fashion. The Tories were the second biggest party in Wales. The Scotch, on the other hand, have far less native culture than the Welsh - stabbings, Buckfast and deep fried Mars bars excepted - and (not coincidentally) are infinitely more insecure. Amenable Scotchmen would of course be most welcome to take the high road south to add their energies to burnishing England's glory. The rest of the Pictish savages should be herded into the Highlands and kept in pens.

I would also put the DUP on notice. This bolshie "England's strife is Northern Ireland's opportunity" nonsense is completely intolerable and wholly unworthy of a party supposedly committed to the Union. Young Paisley Junior needs his bottom smacked.

Yours, etc
Viscount Crouchback

Even the colonials are getting wise to the Celts...

What ho, chums! 

Good heavens, things have come to a pretty pass when even colonial hacks point their fingers and guffaw at the feckless dole bludgers on the Celtic periphery.  The Australian’s Diplomatic Editor, Greg Sheridan, writes:

Once the Scots had a reputation as the most learned and competent people in Britain - the social type in Dr Findlay's Case Book. Now... they are, like the Welsh, a bit of a joke.

Quite right, old stick.  A bit of a joke.  That just about covers it.  Mr Sheridan is shocked that these alcoholic savages are so vastly over-represented in Parliament.  He worries that their addiction to state subsidies will prevent Mr Cameron from  implementing the radical reform that Britain so desperately needs.  Mr Sheridan is too polite to mention that, furthermore, it is difficult to vote rationally when one is addicted to whiskey, heroin and saturated fat. 

I wonder whether the time is drawing near for us to boot the blighters out of the Union?  We've hoovered up most of the oil by now; no harm in allowing the Scotch to suck up the last dregs.  As you know, England is solidly Tory.  If some ghastly Lib-Lab coalition does try to ram through PR then I see no other option than for the freeborn Englishmen of this realm to rise up, grab their swords, and turf the Scotch and Welsh out on their cosseted arses.

Yours, etc

Viscount Crouchback