What ho, chums!
Samoa up next then, chaps. Funnily enough, I had a spy at last week’s Ireland versus Samoa rugger match. Horace Woolington, a chum of mine from Dublin (and an Empire loyalist, needless to say!), wrote to tell me:
“Good heavens, Crouchers, what utter savages I watched at Lansdowne on Saturday! I am quite certain that some of those cannibals would happily chew the head off a man and munch him down for supper. What barbarous breeds exist in the world! Surely it is time for the IRB to banish these brutes from international rugger?”
Horace continued:
“But that is quite enough about the Irish - on the plus side, the Samoan team was extremely well behaved and refused to stoop to the level of its primitive hosts”.
Quite so! Indeed, I suggest we ought to be thankful that Twickers this weekend hosts merely half-savages from the Pacific rather than whole-savages from across the Irish Sea.
Lovers of beef, meanwhile, can anticipate a quite delicious spectacle as Master Banahan engages in man-on-man combat with Mr Mapusua. What a pity that Banahan chooses to spoil the occasion by covering himself from head-to-toe in ghastly tattoos! Has it not occurred to Sergeant Major Johnson to give the oik a damned good scrubbing with an industrial cleaning liquid? If he loses a few layers of skin in the process, then that is surely a small price to pay to look like a gentleman once again.
Yours, etc
Viscount Crouchback
Comments