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17 November 2010


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My Lord
What are your thoughts on Miss Middleton's background? I understand that her mother was a hostess on a plane, and that she attended Marlborough College surely an MPSIA?

I must confess, I was rather nonplussed by the manner of the Middleton parents in their brief press call. Mr Middleton looked like the type of creepy oik one might encounter in Marbella and as for Mrs Middleton - well, being boffable is fine, but I think she rather over-MILFs the pudding.

Typical pushy Marlborough types, I'd say. What a ghastly institution! Neither one thing nor the other. Hyacinth Bucket's idea of a fine public school.

Kate seems charming, but I'd have gone for one of the Scandinavian royal fillies myself.

My Lord, will you be sitting below or above the salt at the reception? I am very glad you are back... All-though I did see a few comments of yours on letterdash during your incarceration. Did they let you have internet connection and a computer in Jamaica?

My Lord

I wonder if I could be so bold and divert your attention to weightier matters, ie the forthcoming Ashes series? Far be it from me to cast aspersions on PrimeMinister Cameron but is there a case for, once he has dispensed with the formalities of dishing out yet another beasting on the Colonials, placing Andrew Strauss straight into Number 10? The man is an almost perfect example of the sort of chap that made Britannia once glorious - fine breeding, full of phlegm and the most magnificent forearms that would not be out of place on the field at Twickers. Do you think you could have a word with your contacts and have a bloodless coup arranged? Strauss will soon have the Mohammedans whipped into shape!
Much obliged,


A Royal Wedding is always a jolly affair but I rather feel this one will be a damp squib.
As others have pointed out, the bride's family is at least half-oik. How will future generations be able to respect their betters, once the Royals are scarcely better?
I fear the only answer is that the bulk of the populace will have devolved to tree-living level by 2050, so even a debased royalty will maintan the distance.
In certain lights the normally charming Miss M looks downright frumpy as well. As you say though, HRH himself is looking seedy these days.
I'd have had the mother myself (would have taught HRH a thing or two I bet) and found a proper princess on the continent.

Paul - I doubt the Crouchbacks shall lower themselves to attend the reception. These Royal weddings tend to be rather vulgar affairs.

Andrew - Splendid comment, old bean. I shall turn my attention to the Ashes in due course. You are quite right about Strauss - a man of unsurpassed phlegm and possessed of the beefiest forearms in the Kingdom.

Royston - Miss Middleton has splendid hair but, dare I say, seems rather lacking in the beef department. When I slap a filly's arse, I want it to ripple, not to break my bloody fingers. Let's hope HRH fattens her up a bit in due course.

My Lord,
There is something particularly agreeable about this union. Yes, Ms Middleton's background is somewhat prosaic. And, yes, her parents have possibly had their beedy little bourgeois eyes on the prize from the off. But there's something re-assuring about her nonetheless. And what an impressive, well-rounded specimen William turned out to be. More important than all that, though, this is a timely fillip for Britons who retain a proud sense of their own history. Don't get me wrong, i'm not the most strident of royalists. But i was certainly made to feel so the other night when watching an infuriatingly smug tv panel of Johnny-come-lately commonwealth types, who basically inferred that all this was irrelevant in modern, multi-cultural Britain.

Does she understand how little is expected of her - breed - and how little she can expect in return? Let's hope she doesn't embarrass herself by demanding devotion from her husband.

Such idealism, Mr Sheen! What is the purpose of any filly but to breed? God knows I didn't marry Lady Crouchback for her sparkling wit and conversation.

I am quite surprised with your rather humble reaction regarding Kate's background. All the other people I've met regard her (and her family) as nothing more than an upjumped middle class nobodies.

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