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04 November 2010

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My Lord, the good people of Kilkenny thank you for your interest in the Irish question. It is reassuring to know that a great nobleman of the realm is keeping a careful eye on our heinous Zanu FF government. It would please many of us if someone like yourself were to flay the Fianna Failures who have brought Erin to its knees. We ask only that you spare the many many Irishmen who remain loyal subjects and long for the day when Her Majesty reclaims her rightful place as Queen of Ireland.

Yours in humble admiration,
Seamus O'Bogtrotter

My dear O'Bogtrotter,

Rest assured that loyal subjects will be most lavishly rewarded for their fidelity to the Crown. I shall need hale and hearty fellows to police the Royal Irish Crouchbackian Militia and man the fortresses I plan to erect across Munster. It will require men of supreme ruthlessness to subdue the red-headed dervishes who populate the wild backwoods of that part of the country.

Recruits will be paid £1 per day and each man will be equipped with a cudgel, a knuckle-duster, an assegai spear and an RPG.

Please do pass along the word to the loyalist young fellows of Kilkenny.

My lord, perhaps you could find a role for young McIlroy in your new "government"? I'm not convinced that he has enough beef to dish out the types of beastings required, but he would certainly be a fine example to all.

Damned good idea, old boy. I daresay young McIlroy could find an alternative use for that titanium Callaway driver of his.

My Lord,

You wouldnt be planning on erecting Munster fortresses with an eye to recruiting a force of Irish beef and instilling in them the famed British pluck found in the home counties? Such a force would be so terrifying to behold that I daresay the Antipodean swine will be quaking in their boots.

Yours,

Sparrow of Hawk

My dear Sparrow,

One tends not to find too much beef in Hibernia. Their chappies are mostly thin-hipped and distinctly weedy. Think Paul O'Connell types: red-haired, gangly and bloody useless in contact.

That said, the Irish do boast a certain savagery and peasant cunning that might prove quite useful in an Anglo-Hibernian cross-breed.

But one must be so careful with these experiments. The last thing I want is for a breed of Andrew Sheridan-style mutants to cross the Irish Sea and invade England.

Yours, etc
Crouchback


Welcome back good sir!
How I have missed your blogs of late, Im sure you missed my comments as much as that STD you picked up from that Jamaican whore. Anyway onto business…
I must commend you on the speed of your usual tarring of Irish people, pity your fellow countrymen couldn’t apply the same speed in repaying the loan to the yanks for propping up your country following WW2. That must have been one of the most humiliating moments in “Great” Britain’s history.
So onto your immediate suggestion that the Irish need to be civilised or that we need a viceroy in Ireland. As funny as it is lets examine how ridiculous it is..
We already have seen the results of getting some ruffians from Glasgow or Liverpool to exercise their will in order to instil civility. Look what happened in Derry in 1972 – these charming young para’s shot and killed numerous unarmed civilians!!(5 of those injured were shot in the back – how brave and honourable of the paras!!) I did enjoy the British governments, and more importantly, David Camerons grovelling apology. So maybe if you want more blood on your hands this could be an option. Although I am sure in the extremely unlikely event of you ever taking over Ireland again we can just kick you out like we did in the war of independence(when the empire was at the zenith of its power no less).
There isn’t much your government can really do though is there? Signing up to an allied agreement with the French? It reeks of desperation.. You might as well put a “Welcome Germany” matt on the cliffs of Dover! Besides your army is too reliant on the Americans who would always side with Ireland. I did enjoy the time when those British navy marines were taken capture in 2007 by the Iranian’s. Your government stamped its feet, blew whistles and demanded the return of the captured men. Iran knowing that you really are just a pathetic little island ignored this and instead the soldiers had to grovel to the Iranian president and convey their infinite respect for Iran’s great culture on live tv! This sort of subservient sycophantic jabbering was a clear indication of your current world military standings!!
The current banking crisis is shameful but we will fix ourselves. I doubt we will have to go on our knees to the IMF begging for cash like you did in 1978..its a distinct possibility but at the moment very unlikely. Besides Ireland has recently come in 5th in terms of the best country in the world to live in according to the UN index(the UK came in at number 26!!) while Dublin came in 26th in terms of the worlds most liveable cities(London came 39th). Using facts like this to prove my point may be a touch pathetic however it is relevant in this case. Since we are a better country in terms of standard of living we should take you over.. I could be the viceroy and inject some goodness into your racially diverse, internally fragmented, over populated little island!!

"Using facts like this to prove my point may be a touch pathetic..."

You said it, old bean!

What’s even more pathetic is your paucity of a response.

You mean the best you can come up with is that one liner??? Seriously?? How feeble..

Once again I have clearly shown you who your master is! I feel just like the German army cruising to victory through the British army in May 1940.. What was the nickname for the BEF they coined again?? Oh yes they called you Back Every Fortnight.

No running scared to Dunkirk for you this time my boy. Every post you put up that merely hints at anything anti Hibernian, il happily be there to retort and continue my mastery over you!

My dear boy, I am quite happy to have a little leprechaun about the place to add a dash of colour, but could you perhaps confine yourself to 50 words a week? These foam-flecked Fenian rants aren't quite what my readers wish to see when they log onto my blog at their busy City desks each afternoon. Do pipe down like a good boy.

hahaha! Is a certain someone getting annoyed?? I am thoroughly pleased that you have taken the bait and responded to my posts; clearly I am saying something that irks you. Victory once again for me!

Regarding my proud and salient essays, let’s just say that any anti Irish post written up by you will be met by equal amount of words. I do enjoy proving you wrong while making you look ridiculous and I especially enjoy that you can never provide hard factual retorts to my points.

M'Lord, I'm sure you are a busy man so allow me.

It ill-behoves any fenian to cite the Second World War in any argument against his natual racial and cultural superiors across the Sea.

Mock the sacrifice we made in blood and prosperity at your peril. As my old chap used to say: "what did you do in the War, Paddy?"

The answer is cower behind neutrality, occasionally wetting his pants. With the exception of the oh so brave provos who, bored of hiding behind walls and targeting women and children, tried to help the Krauts. Fortunately, their efforts against grown-ups were as useless as usual.

Andrew 'o'K's words about the current financial crisis look ever more laughable as Ireland is currently bending over and lubing up for the IMF. And this after a decade of boasting about the 'celtic tiger'; every basis point of that GDP growth was funded by the EU, or rather us (again), the Frenchies and the Krauts.

I respectfully submit, your lordship, that your suggestion that we and Jerry take over at Dublin Castle is misguided at least. History and science have repeatedly proven that - despite the apparent similarities - we cannot bridge the gap between us and the lower primates.

Well hello there Roy!

Good to finally find an Englishman who has some semblance of courage!

Onto your comments. I do admit that it’s a shame Ireland stayed neutral during WW2, but really what could we do? If we shared the same land mass as Belgium, Netherlands, Denmark or Norway..we would have suffered the same fate as those neutral countries.

Besides over 150,000 Irish people fought with the British during WW2, including my grandfather who was a doctor on the front lines.

What could we do, realistically, against the might of Germany?? France and Britain possessed two of the biggest and most powerful armies in 1940 and they swept you both aside in just over 6 weeks! It wasn’t until the yanks bailed you out, coupled with the drain on the Germans due to the Russian front, that you had any chance of victory on the western front.

So Ireland declaring war on Germany would have been idiotic, if anything it would have given them a legitimate reason to invade us before June 1940. Thus using us a stepping stone to invade Britain and even if not they would have used us as an awesome naval base to launch their U-boats which would have impeded critical American supplies to Britain and Russia.

Thus it was more beneficial that we stayed neutral and contributed troops to the cause.

There has been no application to the IMF by Ireland, I am afraid you are the only country to have that honour out of our isles. If we do end up getting financial aid from them we can borrow the “lube” from you!

And your economic theory is laughable at best.. “every basis point of that GDP growth was funded by the EU” – could you please elaborate this point? Did you pull that fact out of you ass?? I think you did!! Maybe a more accurate comment would be the fact that the low corporate tax base we have attracted numerous multinationals, which was the catalyst for the outstanding growth rates and subsequent Celtic Tiger.

p.s You spelt natural incorrectly.

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