So this Ashes malarkey. . .

What ho, gentlemen!

So the Ashes is upon us once again.  I must confess, I’ve never quite caught the cricket bug.  I enjoy a day in the sun drinking Pimms as much as the next man, but I do find it a rather bloodless sport.  My interest was piqued for a period during the 1980s when those beastly West Indians tried to knock our chaps’ blocks off, but then the authorities spoiled it all by introducing these silly helmets and padding and what not.  Let's face it, chums: if a game doesn’t carry the risk of serious, potentially life-threatening injury at any given moment, then it’s not worth pissing on!

Say what you like about rugger, but at least we know that the mind-numbing tedium of a passage of boring, Munster-style belly-flopping could be relieved at any moment by some big brute torpedoing himself through the air and cracking the ribs of the opposing centre.  Or better still, some psychotic Froggie farmer might get it into his head to get the old fork fingers out and have a good rummage in the skull of his opposite number.  Now that’s what I call entertainment!

The same sense of danger is present in all the best sports – racing, polo, even sailing.  And wasn’t F1 so much more interesting when all this silly safety nonsense was a mere twinkle in the eye of the son-of-a-Fascist and we knew that the star driver could spin off into the next life at the next turn?  Call me a ghoul if you like, chaps, but I do think I have a point.

So when I see these rude, mouthy Australians and chirpy little English very minor public school types giving vent to their impudent chatter from the safety of twenty paces, I can't help but think: what a ghastly bunch of pansies.  Let’s stick Ponting in a scrum with Castrogiovanni and see how the stroppy little bugger gets on, what!

One finds, furthermore, that these cricket types are so hopelessly neurotic.  In my experience, they have precious little of the hearty bonhomie of rugger men.  Granted, it might irritate civilians when we rugger buggers terrorise small market towns by rampaging naked through the streets chucking plant pots at one another after one of our cheeky little ”rugger bender” weekends gets a little out of hand (mentioning no names, Piggy Whitby-Smith!) but, heavens, how much more interesting it is than watching some lily-livered cricket pansy sitting in the corner working out his batting average!

There are some honourable exceptions to the rule.  Mr Strauss is a superb specimen.  One rarely encounters such phlegm in these rude times; and what magnificent forearms!  Mr Jardine, too, is the type of fellow whom any Englishman would be proud to call his son-in-law.  But the rest?  Well, I shouldn't rate their chances in a duel against Captain Moody.

Of course, I'll certainly cheer England on in the Ashes and I might even take a trip out for one of the Tests, but I shall assuredly remain faithful to the game they play in heaven.  And if God forbid England lose, then I shan’t take much encouragement to refer our colonial friends to the rather more important string of beastings in ’95, ’03, ’07, and '10...

Yours, etc

Viscount Crouchback

Comments

[Gemini]

It's unlikely that I would bother to watch any sport if there was no rugby. Sport generally (especially football) bores me. There's just something special about rugby that makes it superior to other team sports in my opinion.

I think it’s that there’s a definite set of qualitative levels between teams. I like to know that a team can be great in rugby (like the All Blacks) and that this greatness is achieved through determination, ambition, athleticism and strength of will.

Compare this to football where almost every game I have the misfortune to see ends up with less than 3 scores total, regardless of the assumed brilliance of one side. Switzerland, Ireland, Yugoslavia and Uganda will commonly manage a 1-1 draw with supposedly great teams like Brazil or France.

I like knowing that if Ireland ever beat New Zealand in rugby that it will mean something. It’s not just something that can happen by chance and that makes the sport meaningful to me.

Finally, I also like the fact that not every country in the world can just throw out a decent Rugby team, having a good national rugby team takes years of hard graft and patience (Italy have been on this road a while).

Sorry for rambling my lord, I wasn’t intending to write this much at all.

[Royston Bunbury, esq]

My lord,
For once your judgement is awry. Cricket is the greatest game yet devised by the mind of man.
It saddens me to think that we might be in it's final days, as the authorities have decided to pander to the wishes of India's billion unwashed in their desire for a shortened toy version of the game, rather than those of the gentlemen of England.

[Old Rugbeian]

My Lord is surely mistaken.

Cricket is the sport of gentlemen, and I believe the current England Captain was educated at a major Public School.

[Viscount Crouchback]

I know what you mean, Gemini. There is a very definite pecking order in rugger - and the nations of the Empire sit at the apex of the pyramid, just as it jolly well should be!

My dear Bunbury, if this Gabba pitch is half as spicy as is being suggested then I might have to re-assess my claims that cricket doesn't carry a sufficient whiff of danger.

[CEO]

"Say what you like about rugger, but at least we know that the mind-numbing tedium of a passage of boring, Munster-style belly-flopping could be relieved at any moment by some big brute torpedoing himself through the air and cracking the ribs of the opposing centre. Or better still, some psychotic Froggie farmer might get it into his head to get the old fork fingers out and have a good rummage in the skull of his opposite number. Now that’s what I call entertainment!"

What about a Pakistani batsman being belted in the goolies on consecutive balls!

Tony Greig was commentating, a reluctant doctor had some "magic spray" on hand as Javed Miandad attempted to grope and massage the hapless blighter as he writhed about on the ground.

An extraordinary piece of viewing -- I remember it like it was yesterday.

ceo

[CEO]

Oh, Crouchers, if I may ask...

Where do you stand on the so-called urn debate?

As you know, the original/actual urn remains forever encased at the MCC, regardless of who the current "holder" is.

It seems Ponting is sick of handling the replica and would prefer the real thing to be transported to Australia should we happen to reclaim it.

Personally, I think it would be amusing if vast amounts of time, money and care were taken to ensure the fragile urn's safe and nationally celebrated arrival on our shores. It's such a silly little piece of nonsense, would be great to see the nightly news lead with the touchdown of a specially chartered A380 (fitted with specially designed leak resistant Rolls Royce engines).

[CEO]

The sneaky frogs have developed a computer-driven scrum simulator!

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/sport/rage-against-french-machine/story-fn6atwd0-1225960476969

They might be a handful if they ever developed a don't-surrender-like-a-silly-cheese-monkey simulator as well.

ceo

[Viscount Crouchback]

My dear CEO,

I think Ponting needs to pipe down.

Yours,
Crouchback