Jean-Claude prepares to bend over . . .

What ho, Englishmen!

So this Lievremont chappie has rather put the cat amongst the pigeons, what?  Funny little fellow, isn't he?  I had him down as a wrong'un from the moment I saw him and his coaching team dressed in matching velvet smoking jackets and polo neck jumpers at his first match in charge.

I said to my gentleman: "Look there, Smithson.  Those chaps on the television are either raving homosexuals ... or French.  Which do you think it is?"

Smithson pondered for a moment and replied: "I'm not sure it matters, My Lord.  Don't they amount to the same thing?"

Smithson was quite right of course.  It is damnably difficult to spot the difference between a stark raving nancy boy and a Frog.  Quite apart from the obvious shared interest in fashion, cheese and heavy male petting, it is the case that nowadays even the gays are permitted to soldier; hence, if a camouflaged figure suddenly appears over the horizon brandishing a white handkerchief with an exceedingly limp wrist, one cannot be quite sure whether it's a queer or a Frog living up to tradition. 

Naturally, a beasting awaits the blighters at Twickers this Saturday.  The disappointing thing for us, however, is that the French rather enjoy bending over and taking six of the best from John Bull.  They even have a term for it: la vice Anglais.  Indeed, I rather suspect that Lievremont's impudent words are just cheeky foreplay designed to make Johnno and the chaps spank harder.

Which rather spoils it for us eh, chaps?  It's a jolly good jape to chase after a squealing Celt for 80 minutes and apply the stick to his resentful rump; it's not quite so fun to roar out at Twickers and find Jean-Claude already lying on the turf smoking a Gitane and waiting for his punishment to commence.

Oh well.  A win is a win, and a Slam awaits.  Let's make it 3 from 3.  I have my eye on a certain weekend in Dublin: something tells me that Seamus will not take his Saxon beasting quite so lightly . . .

Yours, etc
Viscount Crouchback

Comments

[Hector Synge-Smythe-Bullingdon]

I say, my Lord, I rather fear it might be a damn close run thing this Saturday; unfortunately, Duke Johnno won't have the Prussians to rescue him in the last 10 minutes, if he's made a mess of the battle. Lord Wilko is not, I'm afraid, the force of old; so if Lievremont's garcons get on top of Toby, the Slam might be heading south again...

[Benjamin Saunders]

Insightful (and tres funny) musings yet again, VC.

That smoking jacket combo was quite revolting, especially on Retiere...

Anyway... back to the game. I'm not happy about all this mouthing off from the French. They're either quite nervous or think they've got an ace up their sleeves.

Idiots. How can they have an ace up their sleeve? The English consume (or at least purchase) more garlic than the French these days!

Not only that but they play rugby like we English used to years ago!

If we hold them at the breakdown and the scrum, don't get on the wrong side of the referee, and kick well then the chaps in Nike (white, of course) might well round rings around those static Frenchmen.

I can't wait to see Chabal rooted to the spot like he was two seasons ago when we routed them at Twickers. Lumbering oaf...

Will Lievremont ever learn?

[Andrew k]

My lord,

Good to see you back on the airwaves,

As for that silly frog's comments.. is he insane?? Adding fuel to the fire of 15 pissed off English men and putting pressure on 15 Frenchmen(who lets face it, aren't exactly known for their ability to defend a assault)isn't the smartest move!

But then again the French have never been ones to convey cleverness! Look at the Maginot line for example! The Germans just went around it! In fact the only thing the frogs are good at is laying the welcome mat to Jerry.

Should be a good game..and would you believe im rooting for England. The slam match in Dublin will be thoroughly enjoyable! Although im afraid the sands of time have changed and i'd imagine an English victory..

[TheStyleDaddy]

Pish posh Andrew K!

I wager John Bull will be taking one hell of beasting in Dublin on St Patricks weekend...

[Darwinia]

Good comic writing my Lord. John Bull also thought he had the spanking of the Springboks in November, only it was the Bull bottom that needed the vaseline.

[G. Dinkledink]

Barely 2 posts in 6 months! What the dickens has happened? Has our Viscount become lazy? Has he turned into some sort of slothful, brandy swilling wretch?

Has he any thoughts on Cipriani and his alleged theft of a bottle of Her Majesty's Vodka? What shall we do with this greasy brigand?

Gary Dinkeldink

[G. Dinkledink]

Cipriani fined:

http://www.smh.com.au/rugby-union/union-news/rebels-recruit-fined-over-nightclub-incident-20110301-1bcpf.html

Dinkledink

[Gemini]

I fear our Lord may have met a charming young Caribbean specimen on his travels somewhere and is at this very moment sipping cherry on a tropical isle having his hair weaved into cornrows.

[Andrew K]

Good to see the mighty Celts defeat the puny Saxons once again!!

I mean..cricket..it's about as popular in Ireland as a trip to the dentist to get root canal.. Yet we defeated "potential" world champions! What a stunning victory and a TOTAL humiliation for England

It's tantamount to Portugal beating England in rugby.. or the Italians actually winning a military battle..

Brilliant.. the Celtic race really is superior...

[Celtic BEEFCAKE]

Ireland: Population 4 million.

England: Population 50 million.

Football: Invented by the English. Last four results vs Ireland: 2 Irish victories, 2 draws.

Rugger: Invented by the English. Last 7 results vs Ireland. 6 Irish victories. 1 Blip.

Cricket: Invented by the English. Victory for Ireland against England in 100% of World Cup Fixtures in 2011.

Golf: Popularised by the English. ZERO English major winners for the past 15 years. Ireland won FOUR majors in the past 3 years alone.

See a trend here, my lord?

Can you finally be man enough to accept the genetic superiority of the Celtic race?

[Justin Fitzgerald]

Celtic Beefcake, that last post was absolutely beautiful and if it doesn't stir my Lord from his recent slumber nothing will.

[SgtMajor]

There is no such thing as a celtic race you imbecile.

[Celtic Warrior]

Dear Viscount,

Whilst I have very little time for your drivel, apart from the immense enjoyment I take when you get it wrong (which does happen oh so often dear friend)I really must apologise for my fellow countryman "Celtic Beefcake" and his uneducated whatnot's as he speaks of the "superior celtic race." Superior - yes, Celtic - by all means, but "Celtic race" we are not. Nonetheless lets put this imbecilic episode aside and celebrate in the nonchalant style to which you, I, and our forefathers are accustomed in matters of such sporting endeavors.

Sincerely,

[Dara]

Dear Crouchy,

Love your work. Couldn't resist sending you this. It is about Ireland's wonderful victory against the old enemy yesterday. The cheek of us!

http://advocatodiabolo.wordpress.com/2011/03/03/time-for-a-rewrite-of-jiggery-pokery/