Jock-bashing . . .

What ho, chums!

"This is true, the Scots did stand against Proud Edward's army at Bannockburn in 1314 and his army was routed there by Robert the Bruce. They did indeed send him homewards 'tae think again'.

It would be fair to say also that the English did think about it for a good while and duly came back and knocked d'bollix out of the Scots for their temerity and audacity".

Neil Francis

Ah, yes, the Scots.  Sweaty.  Chippy.  Hairy.  Miserly.  And not very good at rugger.

Clichés aside, it’s hard to get worked up about this one.  God knows I love watching our Saxon beefcakes take the whip to the Celts ... but let’s be honest: dishing the Scotch is about as satisfying as boffing a particularly unattractive older filly.  Yes, it’s a conquest of sorts but it’s hardly the standard by which we as Englishmen measure ourselves.

As Francis rightly points out, the English have been "knocking the bollocks" out of the Scots since 1314.  It's what we do.  Jock gets uppity.  John Bull spanks him.  Jock sulks for a while and then gets uppity again.  John Bull spanks him.  And so on, and so on, ad nauseam ... like the relationship between a dog and its owner, with the important difference that a dog is generally wise enough to behave after being spanked whereas Jock needs a beasting at least once every five years. 

It would be fair to say, however, that Jock is not in one of his uppity phases.  Quite the contrary: the Scots at present perceive their inferiority with a terrible and jarring lucidity.  Remember that Jock, of all the Celts, has always been the least prone to self-delusion.  Not for him the poteen-addled fantasy of Seamus or the hwyl-inspired giddiness of Dai.  No, Jock has always been a down-to-earth empiricist and he knows what's coming on Sunday. 

The poor blighters will crawl into Twickers in the full knowledge that they will be sent swiftly homewards “tae think again” - and with jolly red bottoms to boot.  Poor old Jock knows he can’t win, and we know he can’t win, but the rules stipulate that he has to put himself through 80 minutes of torture anyway. 

If I can offer some small succour to our Scottish friends, it is this: the English are not a cruel race.  We do not, generally speaking, like to kick dogs when they are down.  As a rule, we mete out beastings only when our enemy has done something so heinous that a beasting is warranted.  John Bull does not really go in for these Germanic/colonial-style sporting duck shoots.  It's simply not our style. 

So fear not.  I fully expect Johnno and the chaps to rack up 30 or 40 by half-time and then declare.  Apart from anything else, it is vital that we conserve some energy for Dublin.  The Micks, cunning as ever, have somehow wangled a 7-day turnaround before that fixture in contrast to our 6 days.  No doubt they have all sorts of other tricks up their sleeves too.  Johnson's New Model Army will need all their wits about them to avoid being knifed in the back beside a bogside hedgerow.

So 35 points by half-time please, chaps, then put your feet up and cast an eye towards next weekend.  Jock doesn't really deserve a proper flaying - but Seamus, by God, Seamus should not have a single layer of flesh left on his back by the time the English have finished with him. 

Yours, etc

Viscount Croucback

 

Comments

[Andrew k]

It bodes well that you realize your Irish superiors will require all that "Jonnos new model army" can muster in order to have any chance to defeat us

Agreed - The game against the scots this weekend is about as relevant as the scots having their own parliament. But they have pulled off the odd shocker before..

[Rupert Chumley-Worpingston]

As always I read your piece with interest. I think perhaps you've missed a trick in your interpretation of Jock. Jock is in essence part Celt, part Saxon, and part Norseman with his weaker qualities attributable to the Celtic part and his hardiness and resourcefullness the latter two. The Calcutta Cup and its origins always serves as a good reminder of British greatness - it is notable that the Irish and Welsh do not feature in the story.

[Viscount Crouchback]

That's quite right, old sport. The Lowland Scots, in particular, are of good sturdy Saxon constitution.

The difference between Jock and Seamus is interesting. Seamus is a weak-willed individual who finds it inordinately difficult to defer gratification. Hence the sad and inevitable fate of "de Celtic Tiger".

Jock, on the other hand, possesses sufficient self-control to quietly build his capital over a period of decades. It is not for nothing that we English have been quietly tolerant of Scotch involvement in British politics over the years. The unfortunate case of Mr Brown notwithstanding, they do generally bring a formidable level of intellect and phlegm to bear on any given situation.

And yes, the Calcutta Cup is without peer. I certainly rate it above the ghastly parvenu Webb Ellis Cup.

[Kitchener]

A splendid piece, old fruit, and spot on as usual.

I agree entirely and I rather enjoyed your reference to Johnson's New Model Army. I'm quite sure some of the Boggies will take great exception to your choice of phrase and kick up a bit of a fuss . . . only to realise how apt a description it was in about 8 days time. A corking post indeed! Good show!

[Gary Dinkledink]

Fantastic, as usual. And I've learnt a new word: "parvenu".

Dear Viscount, have you ever considered getting yourself a twitter account?

Dinkledink

[JimB]

Any thoughts on the Wales - Ireland game m'lud?

[Viscount Crouchback]

Quite right, Kitch. When our chaps lay waste to Lansdowne in Cromwellian style, the Micks will get down on bended knee in sheer, unadulterated reverence.

I'll have to see about that, Dinkledink. It's an interesting idea. Welcome along by the way!

Jim, one would imagine that the new quick ball game would suit the Taffs down to the ground. The poor old Micks seem completely clueless now that brazen cheating at the ruck is no longer quite so tolerated. On talent alone, I'd favour the Taffs by about 15.

The problem, as ever with the Welsh, is their utter lack of phlegm and poise. The poor blighters simply have no bottle. If only the IRB would permit a couple of Englishmen to lead them into battle, the Welsh would win everything.

As it is, they'll probably go from side to side for 80 minutes and then lose to a wonky O'Gara drop goal in the 9th minute of injury time.