What to do with a problem like Seamus?

What ho, Englishmen! (and Scotchmen and Welshmen and Ulstermen!)

Interesting news, gentlemen.  Things appear to be stirring in the wilds of Erin.  The Micks have woken from their poteen-sozzled stupour and are taking a long, hard look in the mirror – and not before time.  A reader, Horace Woolington, refers me to this splendid article in the Irish Sunday Independent.  The author of the article, Mr McEntee, issues an impassioned cri de couer in which he begs for re-admittance to the United Kingdom:

"WHEN Queen Elizabeth arrives on her historic first visit to this country, could someone take her gently aside and whisper in her ear: "Take us back, ma'am. Please take us back.

Ludicrous, I know, but there are a substantial number of beleaguered residents of this shambolic State who not only harbour regrets that we ever left the economic embrace of Britain, but would gladly return.

I'm sure I'm not the only still-proud Irishman at home or abroad thinking the previously unthinkable: why did we leave the British Empire?"

Why indeed.  Seamus’s brazen knock at the front door does not surprise me.  I have been predicting as much for some time now.  For the hairy-knuckled sons of Erin have always been inordinately fond of their Mammy: and now that the poteen has run dry and the gambling debts have to be paid off, it was only a matter of time before they begged to suckle at the teat of Mammy Britannia.

The question is: how should Mr Cameron respond to these overtures?  It is tempting to send Seamus straight back to the bogs with a flea in his ear.  Such a response would certainly be justified given the Micks’ abject lack of gratitude for Britain’s civilising influence over all these years.  Furthermore, the necessity to keep the wild men of the hedgerows in good order is surely enough to bring the Home Secretary out in a cold sweat.  There are several million Paddies currently out of work and it surely won’t be long before a fair number of them decide to open the family box of Semtex out of sheer boredom.  As the old saying goes: “A bored Frenchman boffs; a bored German daydreams; a bored Englishman plans an expedition; and a bored Irishman breaks out the poteen and goes ballistic”.

So there are clearly drawbacks to taking in Seamus again.  And yet... wouldn’t it be splendid for our population to exceed France’s?  Add on the Micks and we’d have about 68m in the UK.  We’d also add sizeably to our land mass.  And at the rate the blighters breed, we’d probably soon be pushing over 70m and be in position to challenge the Germans for supremacy in Europe.  Such nationalistic considerations are considered uncouth nowadays, but I don’t mind admitting that I retain a healthy desire to see Britannia’s flame burnish brightly in the world once more.

Moreover, is there not also a moral duty to take in these poor creatures?  One must ask: what would the Victorians do?  Is it not incumbent upon us to channel the spirit of Livingstone and Wilberforce and finally complete the long, arduous process of civilising the Mick?  Think of those hidden gems languishing at present under the stifling blanket of Fenianism.  Remember how the Irish under British rule produced such remarkable individuals as Yeats, Joyce, Burke, Wilde.  Must we condemn the fine young men of Clongowes to lasting penury?  In earnest, chaps, these people are capable of great deeds when they have a hearty Saxon hand to guide them along the path of righteousness!

Seamus can count himself fortunate that if anyone is likely to turn the other cheek and forgive, it is John Bull.  Our sturdy phlegmatic Englishman has long reconciled himself with the central truth of his existence: that God has placed upon his shoulders the unique burden of civilising the world.  With many ups and many downs, the Englishman has largely succeeded in this sacred task.  Great swathes of the globe, from America to Australia, from India to South Africa, are now bright beacons of hope and prosperity – and all thanks to John Bull's selfless efforts.  Only in the Englishman’s own back yard does the spirit of barbarism and fecklessness remain unextinguished.

So let us on sleep on it.  Perhaps there is a way back for Seamus.  Perhaps, if Seamus is sufficiently penitent, sufficiently humble, sufficiently sober, sufficiently ashamed and apologetic and bashful ... perhaps then a cot can be found for him once more under the Union Jack.

Perhaps.

Yours, etc

Viscount Crouchback

Comments

[Seamus]

Jaysus Crouchback yer an awful gobshite.

[Andrew k]

How could you forget one of the most proud Irishmen in our history... Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington

If it were not for us old Boney could have prevailed at Waterloo and you Brits could well be a bunch of frog munching, surrender loving, cheese smelling, french speaking homo's

You owe us more than the world - you owe us the Empire!

[Viscount Crouchback]

Ah yes, the Duke of Wellington. I am told he was inexplicably absent from RTE's list of 100 Greatest Irishmen. Can't think why.

Speaking of great Irishmen, is it not remarkable how few have emerged since we British left? You poor chaps do rather seem to have lost your way in the absence of Britanania's paternal guiding hand.

[Gary Dinkledink]

Interesting. Very, very interesting...

(And, needless to say, very funny as well!)

Dinkledink

[Martin Mc Guinness]

Crouchback having pondered your article ,i have come to the conclusion ,you sir are the biggest Twat the failed English empire has produced yet .Good day to you sir.

[Potyster]

I suggest a good caning in rugby and a proper rogering in cricket....oops sorry , didn't think.

[Viscount Crouchback]

Please, Martin, remember that you are a Minister of the Crown and kindly desist from using such salty language in the company of nobility.

[Celtic BEEFCAKE]

My Lord, please accept this humble peace offering.

http://i53.tinypic.com/25rdt9y.jpg

Lashings of beef!

[Andrew K]

Sir,

I think you will find the people who contribute to those ridiculous poll's are bored chaff's. How else did a fenian song from the IRA loving Wolf Tone's make it to the top of the bbc's greatest british song ever poll???

Also the rte list was top 20 not 100.

As for your other point, there has been many fine and successful irish men/woman who have emanted once the inferior brits left these shores. Highlights include:

U2
Bono
Roy Keane
BOD
Padraig Harrington
Terry Wogan
Pierce Brosnan
Kenneth Branagh
Saoirse Ronan
Peter O'Toole
Liam Neeson
Cillian Murphy
Richard Harris
Michael Gambon
Michael Fassbender
Colin Farrell
Daniel Day-Lewis
Gabriel Byrne
Enya
Bob Geldof
Van Morrison
The Corrs
Seamus Heaney (nobel prize winner)
Frank McCourt
J. P. McManus
Peter Sutherland – Chairman of BP Plc, and Chairman of Goldman Sachs International
Michael O'Leary - CEO of ryanair
Willie John McBride - captain of the invincibles lions tour South Africa 1974

Please note ive left out quite a bit of successful irish people/acts such as westlife, boyzone, etc etc)

I think the words coming to mind are Check and Mate!

[utnapishtm]

Judging by some, but not all,of the names on that list, I think that the words that spring to mind are "own" and "goal"

[Gemini]

Andrew your list is dire.

Do you really take pride in the fact that The Corrs and Boyzone come from Ireland? I'm not even sure if they take themselves seriously.

Being great and being famous are not the same you know. And are you really so desperate as to include a 16 year old child actor too?

Why so many actors? Acting is hardly the most difficult or noble of professions, at least in this day and age. Do you really think Hugh Grant would make it onto the Viscount's list of Greatest Englishmen since 1900?

[Viscount Crouchback]

"Please note ive left out quite a bit of successful irish people/acts such as westlife, boyzone, etc etc)"

Boyzone? Is that a sly reference to Patrick Pearse's nocturnal habits? Really, Andrew, you do yourself no favours!

However, Celtic BEEFCAKE's sublime contribution to this thread more than compensates for any silliness perpetrated by Andrew K.

I must confess: the clash between The Hask and the young farmer's boy, O'Brien, has me almost as excited as the day I first laid eyes on Adebayo.

[Chucky Arla]

Good to see my Lord back at the keyboard. Definitely one of the best blogs going.

The clash between O'Brien and Haskell will be ferocious but I can only see one winner, and thats the farmer from Carlow.

However O'Brien has been great all tournament and it still hasn't been enough for us.

[Andrew K]

Hahaha! great to see my post stirred so much debate

Glorious! I got the exact reaction I was looking for!!

Check and mate indeed.

[Lawrence]

Andrew, everyone knows that being laughed at by Englishmen and Irishmen alike, wasn't the reaction you were looking for. We know you're hurt and disappointed, but my advice would be to dust yourself down and rethink your antagonistic stratagem. Because on this occasion, young man, you've failed miserably.

Better luck next time, eh, old spud.

[Paddy]

The "hask" I suspect will find himself very quickly having to hark back to his Wellington college days, forced to hide himself out of harms way only to look on helplessly while a right royal rodgering, to use your own turn of phrase, is meted out in front of him. This time however it shan't be his chubby companion Paul doran jones meteing out said rodgering to an unsuspecting schoolgirl while Jamie films it from a closet. No, it shall be messrs obrien and heaslip doling out a mighty bout of comeupance to this over confident upstart England team, who are long over due a serious lesson in rugby pedigree, lest they or their tedious fans get any further ahead of themselves or forget their place. And, I can tell you, unlike aforementioned school girl, they will certainly know what is happening to them.

[Gemini]

@ Paddy

Hear hear!

[Andrew K]

Lawrence,

Thank you for your sentiments! Tell me just how exactly did you learn to read someones feeling's over the internet??

Have you been banging Mystic Meg?

Or are you just wildly speculating?? I think the latter is the truest!

Anyway, I was hoping and looking for reactions and you have provided some more! Thank you!

[Lawrence]

Andrew, your further, vulgar clamouring confirms the obvious. You're angry, but it's OK, we understand that you didn't achieve the exasperation you desired. Now, put your disappointment behind you and be a good Mick and slink off back to the patch of bog from whence you came. There's a good lad.

[Andrew K]

Ah Lawrence..once again you astound me with your mind reading capabilities!

Incredible really..

It is quite amazing..

I just cant fathom how you do it...